Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.

Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn't be more de-lighted!

Why didn't the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me. I think she's just being clothes-minded!

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!

A cross-eyed teacher couldn't control his pupils.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!

Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

My parents said I can't drink coffee anymore. Or else they'll ground me!

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

I lost my mood ring and I don't know how to feel about it!

A new type of broom came out and it's sweeping the nation.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

Who is the penguin's favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

A bicycle can't stand on it's own because it's two-tired.

What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don't worry, though - he woke up!

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!

I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

What did syrup to the waffle? I love you a waffle lot!

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee!

I've started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!

Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing Windows!

Having the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it's reindeer.

I made a pun about the wind but it blows.

What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

Can February March? No, but April May.

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.

What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? Put it on my bill!

My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn't remember his blood type. His last words to us were, Be positive!

Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math.It's easy as pi!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

I just found out that I'm color blind. The news came completely out of the green!

I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!

Becoming a vegetarian is one big missed steak.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty!

My sister bet that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Towels can't tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at!

He often broke into song because he could not find the key.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

What's America's favorite soda? Mini soda.

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

I hate how funerals are often at 9 AM. I'm not really a mourning person.

What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor's hair? Ceasers.

I have a great joke about pizza but it may be too cheesy.

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

German sausage jokes are just the wurst.

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

She had a photographic memory, but never developed it.

So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

I bought a boat because it was for sail.

Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents.

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you can even see it.

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

A man sued an airline for losing his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

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