Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it's reindeer.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee!

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!

I made a pun about the wind but it blows.

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

What did syrup to the waffle? I love you a waffle lot!

How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

Can February March? No, but April May.

Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at!

I hate how funerals are often at 9 AM. I'm not really a mourning person.

She had a photographic memory, but never developed it.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don't worry, though - he woke up!

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? Put it on my bill!

My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me. I think she's just being clothes-minded!

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

I've started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!

I just found out that I'm color blind. The news came completely out of the green!

What's America's favorite soda? Mini soda.

A bicycle can't stand on it's own because it's two-tired.

My sister bet that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

A cross-eyed teacher couldn't control his pupils.

That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

A new type of broom came out and it's sweeping the nation.

My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn't remember his blood type. His last words to us were, Be positive!

What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

He often broke into song because he could not find the key.

My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.

Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

I lost my mood ring and I don't know how to feel about it!

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math.It's easy as pi!

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.

Why didn't the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.

Having the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn't be more de-lighted!

Becoming a vegetarian is one big missed steak.

I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!

Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing Windows!

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

Who is the penguin's favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!

I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.

The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

Towels can't tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

I bought a boat because it was for sail.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

I have a great joke about pizza but it may be too cheesy.

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

A man sued an airline for losing his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

German sausage jokes are just the wurst.

My parents said I can't drink coffee anymore. Or else they'll ground me!

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.

What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor's hair? Ceasers.

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world!

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you can even see it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

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