Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

I bought a boat because it was for sail.

Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn't be more de-lighted!

The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.

What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor's hair? Ceasers.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it's reindeer.

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math.It's easy as pi!

A bicycle can't stand on it's own because it's two-tired.

I have a great joke about pizza but it may be too cheesy.

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents.

I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

I lost my mood ring and I don't know how to feel about it!

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.

What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? Put it on my bill!

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I've started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing Windows!

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!

What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don't worry, though - he woke up!

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

He often broke into song because he could not find the key.

My parents said I can't drink coffee anymore. Or else they'll ground me!

Why didn't the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.

Having the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

My sister bet that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

A man sued an airline for losing his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

She had a photographic memory, but never developed it.

I hate how funerals are often at 9 AM. I'm not really a mourning person.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!

I just found out that I'm color blind. The news came completely out of the green!

I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

What's America's favorite soda? Mini soda.

A new type of broom came out and it's sweeping the nation.

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.

I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!

A cross-eyed teacher couldn't control his pupils.

Can February March? No, but April May.

German sausage jokes are just the wurst.

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

What did syrup to the waffle? I love you a waffle lot!

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee!

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty!

Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!

Becoming a vegetarian is one big missed steak.

I made a pun about the wind but it blows.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world!

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

Who is the penguin's favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.

My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn't remember his blood type. His last words to us were, Be positive!

Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at!

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Towels can't tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.

My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me. I think she's just being clothes-minded!

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you can even see it.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

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